


Smiling Depression - A Story A Of Broken Smile

by fluffy_koala



Series: everyone loves Lee Felix [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Sad Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 17:18:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18721504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffy_koala/pseuds/fluffy_koala
Summary: They were blinded by his smile and they never saw the pain it was hiding.





	Smiling Depression - A Story A Of Broken Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Music I listened to whilst writing this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKyb_3gBmj4&t=329s

_ He is sad but he is still smiling.  _

That was the easiest way to describe Lee Felix and his life. As a member of Stray Kids, Lee Felix is always seen by the fans and his brothers as the sunshine brighter than the sun itself. He is the source of positive energy that always makes everyone smile. He is the angel in human form with a pure heart made of gold. Always warm, always full of love and care for everyone around him. It doesn’t matter if it’s a person or an animal, if he knows them or not.

He always has his arms wide open for whoever needs it, whether it would be exhausted after practice Jeongin or Jisung in need of affection. Whether it would be homesick Chan or stressed out Changbin. Whether it would be Woojin who just felt lonely or Minho who put too much pressure on himself. Whether it’s Seungmin and Hyunjin who needed affection from their favourite  _ cuddly koala. _

And Felix doesn’t complain about this. In fact, he loves showing affection to the people who are his family, his  _ brothers. _ He could never be upset about any of them needing him at certain times to help them with their struggles. Felix is always happy to help. Always was and always will be.

When you look at Lee Felix you can see his freckles, his smile and his bright eyes. His deep voice can send shivers down your spine and you ask yourself how is it the same person. But then you hear his carefree and childlike laughter and you realize that in fact, the boy you see is still a child deep down his heart.

And then there are his talent and passion for what he is doing. When Felix dances, whether on stage in front of a crowd or in a stuffy practice room he feels free. Like nothing in the world can stop him. Despite everything he had to go through, from leaving Australia when he was just a kid who on top of that didn’t know the language, to going through the elimination and having his dreams shattered. But he was given another chance and Felix promised himself on that day that he will do everything in his power to prove to everyone why he deserved it.

Sounds almost like a story from a children’s book, right?

This is where the sad part begins. The part of his life that Felix doesn’t talk about.

A smile reminds everyone of happiness. When you see it, you think nothing is wrong. Everything looks great, at times perfect even. But this couldn’t be further away from the truth in his case.

Felix knows all of this. He knows what people think when they see him smile. But what they don’t know is that his smile is nothing more than a mask used to hide his real pain.

When you think of a person with depression, you see them as someone who spends all day in bed and who is incapable of functioning properly. You think of constant crying, refusing to eat, to go outside or to talk. Felix was a complete opposite of that so he couldn’t be depressed right? He was socializing, taking care of himself and having a normal, or rather as normal as possible, life of an idol. Their fans loved him and his brothers loved him, there was nothing to be upset about.

And yet here he was. At first, there was a weird feeling of emptiness but he brushed it aside, thinking that it was just temporary. But it grew stronger each day until the point where every time he was alone, Felix wanted nothing more than to just curl up into a small ball and cry his heart out. Negative thoughts and voices became constant and part of his daily routine. But it’s something he refused to talk about with his members. He didn’t want them to see him as weak. He was already questioning why he was in the group in the first place and found millions of reasons why he shouldn’t be here. There was no need to give them another one.

All of this led to increased fear and anxiety which in turn would keep him wide awake through the nights. He was lucky if he could get two or three hours of sleep and even that was a rarity. But if he still gets up in the morning and greets his members with the widest smile possible, then nothing was wrong. He was just tired after long and busy schedules. It’s nothing new or worth worrying about, he will get over it.

\--

_ And yet another sleepless night. _

Felix thought to himself as he climbed off the bed as quietly as he could so he wouldn’t wake up the other boys. He carefully opened the door and left to go to the kitchen to get some water. He wasn’t really thirsty or hungry but what else is there to do at one in the morning?

This wasn’t something that should surprise him but Felix still let out a small gasp as he saw Chan sitting on the sofa in their living room, working on his laptop with an empty cup resting on the table. Sadly Chan gets more cups of coffee than hours of sleep.

The older boy turned his head towards him with a concerned look. “Hey Lixie, what are you doing here? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just…” Felix paused for a second. “I couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“You are not bothering me at all Lixie, come here.”

Slowly Felix made his way towards the sofa. He sat down and curled up beside the leader who wrapped him in a blanket before putting his arm around his shoulders.

“What keeps you awake baby, is something bothering you?”

Here it was again, that caring and soft voice that always successfully calmed Felix down. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the older boy’s shoulder, letting out a small sigh.

“I miss home Channie…”

Chan nodded against his head before leaning down to peck the younger’s forehead. “It’s okay sweetie. Remember how far you have come. I’m sure your whole family and all your friends are proud of you.”

“Thank you…” Felix replied before closing his eyes. “Can I stay with you?”

“Of course you can baby, try to get some sleep okay?”

It’s fine, Felix can try to do that. It won’t be easy though. Especially since he wasn’t actually homesick. In fact, he didn’t miss Australia at all. Just an hour earlier, at midnight Felix put the pieces together and the picture he saw was difficult to accept.

And that’s because his parents and the rest of his family weren’t proud of him at all and still refused to accept the reality and the path their son chose. So, if anything went wrong and Felix had to leave Stray Kids what would happen then? If he had no home in Korea anymore and no home to go back to in Australia, does that mean he would have no home at all?

\--

Despite appearing as a loud and always laughing kid on camera, Felix was actually an introvert. He loved spending time with his friends, playing games or going out but sometimes he liked to stay in his own room, reading books or listening to music. He wasn’t the type of guy who would look for thrilling adventures all the time. He preferred the peacefulness and safety of his own four walls. 

However, this wasn’t Australia anymore and he was now living with eight other people, two of them were sharing the room with Felix. It was difficult to have some privacy since the home belonged to everyone. That’s why the dancer learned to appreciate every chance he got for some alone time.

One of those opportunities arose when all of the members decided to get some food. It was Minho and Jisung who were supposed to go but they couldn’t agree what snacks to get so everyone decided to tag along. Felix asked Chan if he could stay at home since he wanted to practice some Korean. Reluctantly, the older agreed but that didn’t go without asking lots of questions and making sure he was okay. Felix appreciated it.

When the others finally left, Felix could go to his room and be alone. He was planning to study Korean but the moment he sat in front of his mirror he forgot about his plan. Instead, his gaze focused on his own reflection, studying every single detail and every spot that could be considered as an imperfection. He didn’t have to look for them too long since they were very obvious.

First, it was his skin tone. It was dark, way too dark for the liking of South Korea. In Australia, it was seen as something completely normal, considering the amount of sun they got every year. When he first came here, he knew it won’t be something common and people would stare at it. But he never expected anyone to go as far as to edit his photos just so he could have a lighter skin tone. His skin wasn’t something that he chose but if so many people couldn’t accept it, then maybe he never realized how big of an issue it was.

But his biggest issue were his freckles. Before he came to Korea he didn’t mind the little spots that were decorating his face. Even though they weren’t very pretty, he accepted them as part of who he is. He was afraid that the Korean society won’t accept them but he was wrong. Or that’s how it seemed.

At first it was just make-up, something normal in the business world and something he couldn’t complain about. But soon, he noticed the amount of foundation used was increased and once the stylist was done, his freckles were no longer visible. But the most painful and embarrassing moment came when one of the make up staff covered his freckles completely just to paint fake ones instead. Felix felt as if someone just stabbed him with a knife. Even though no one said it out loud, he could hear the words loud and clearly.

_ You are ugly. Your freckles are something you should be ashamed of. They are so disgusting they had to paint fake ones instead. What a monster you are... _

\--

Dance was the meaning of his life. There was nothing else Felix imagined himself loving as much as he loved dance. It was his passion; the blood in his veins and the air he was breathing. He didn’t exist without it. 

Whilst he was far away from being a good rapper and his vocal technique needed a lot of work as well, it was dancing that he wanted to be recognized for. He would spend hours in the studio, practicing until his legs gave up underneath him and his whole body screamed in pain and begged him to stop. His brain would shut down and he could only feel his heart beating in the rhythm of the music as his eyes focused on his own movements reflected in the mirror. He wanted to be the best he could possibly be no matter what the cost was.

Sometimes it would end up with Chan or Woojin who would come to pick him up, forcing him to go back to the dorm to actually eat and get some rest before he passed out. Felix hated that moment when he had to snap out of it and come back to reality.

Because the reality would constantly remind him of how far behind he was.

Every time he thought he learned something new and improved at least a little bit, Minho and Hyunjin came around to prove him wrong. All they had to do was dance next to Felix and the youngest could already see how much he was still lacking. They were both so graceful, yet precise and powerful. It’s like their bodies connected with the music and they became one.

Whenever he looked at the comments left by fans, he could see so many praising his hyungs for how talented and good looking they are. But barely anyone would pay attention to him. Like he wasn’t even there.

Felix didn’t want to be selfish. But he would lie if he said that seeing someone appreciating what you do didn’t feel nice. He wasn’t perfect, maybe average at best, but there was still hope left in him that someone would care. That someone would tell him that he was doing good and should be proud of himself.

Even the members and the staff barely paid any attention to his work. The only things he would hear from them were about his pronunciation, synchronisation or tone of voice he was using. It felt as if all they could see were his mistakes and areas he was lacking at.

And Felix understood that. He wasn’t expecting anyone to be soft for him, to praise him constantly when he didn’t deserve it. He knew hard-work and consistency was the only way to achieve success. But as the time went on, he heard more and more criticism. He was given less lines and most of the time it felt like they were given to him out of pity. He didn’t question it but day by day Felix could feel that passion for music he had in him slowly dying.

\--

Many think that the final, drastic step has to be triggered by a certain event. Something happened, someone said something and you felt you are reaching your breaking. Without thinking about it you grab whatever you can that will help you leave this world without any care how you will look at the end. Dignity and what other people will think were forgotten as the third pack of sleeping pills was making his was down your throat and a trails of warm blood decorated your pale skin, forming a large poodle on the cold, bathroom floor. Your eyes were slowly shutting down and you were drifting away into a dreamless sleep.

In Felix’s case things were completely different. The first noticeable difference was the fact that there was no trigger. No particular hate comment or an event made him decide about his fate. One night he woke up and went on the rooftop of their dorm with a piece of paper and a pen. He began to write a letter to their members pouring out all his feelings and suffering. And once he was finished, looking down at the paper he realized his breaking point was reached long time ago and until now he was avoiding the unavoidable. To his surprise it wasn’t that difficult to admit that he wasn’t scared of death. In fact, he was ready to welcome it with open arms. It only made the whole situation even more sad.

_ Pathetic. _

Felix thought to himself, folding the piece of paper as he went back inside.

Maybe it was fate or simply luck but their next few days were free from schedules. He tried to spend as much time with his members as possible, letting them know how important they were to him, how lucky he was to have them and how much he loved them. Again, whether it was due to luck or fate, nobody questioned his words probably since they were all used to his caring and affectionate personality. On their last free night, Felix was ready. When everyone were asleep he quietly got up and went to the living room to place his letter on the table. He put on his favourite shoes and his hoodie and glanced one last time at the inside of the house he will never see again, before heading out into the cold night.

\--

It was around two in the morning when Stray Kids woke up to the sounds of sirens and flashing blue lights. Confused, they all got up to meet in the living room and they started to panic once they noticed missing Felix. They were about to go call him when Jeongin saw a piece of paper lying on the table. He wanted to pick it up but then knocking on the door interrupted them. Chan opened the door to see two police officers asking if they knew Lee Felix and to come with them outside. Panicking even more them before, they all agreed to witness the most horrific sight in their whole life. 

There was Felix, their precious little Felix, lying on the cold concrete. He was covered in blood and had what seemed to be horribly broken bones. When his identity was confirmed, they were asked to go back to the dorm and visit the police station the next day to answer a few routine questions.

They sat on the sofa, cuddled up together. Some of them were crying, others felt numb and couldn’t believe what happened. At some point Jeongin woke up from his trance, remembering the piece of paper. With a shaking hand, he picked it up and gave it to their leader who read it out loud with a weak voice.

\--

_ Hello brothers, _

_ By the time you read this I will hopefully be gone from this world. If not and I’m somewhere in a hospital, rotting as a vegetable in coma then please, don’t visit me. Just let JYP know that I won’t be coming back. Not this time. _

_ You see, there’s a lot you don’t know about and a lot of things I should explain to you. But I don’t have much time since you will be coming back soon. _

_ You probably wonder why all of this happened. I had everything I could ever ask for, from eight loving brothers and amazing fans to having my biggest dreams coming true. And whilst there are no words to explain how thankful I am for that, I think this is too much for me. I don’t deserve all of that, I’m simply not good enough and not worth it. _

_ It cost a lot to get where I am now. Just leaving Australia and having my whole family against me was stressful enough (I’m sorry Channie, but you were wrong. They were never proud of me and never will be) and it took a huge toll on me. But I was okay with it since I had you guys and you made me strong. I kept telling myself that I will prove them wrong and show them that I made the right choice. _

_ But then it wasn’t just my family that I had to prove myself to. It was JYP who always looked at me like I’m the biggest mistake he ever made. He regrets bringing me back and I don’t blame him. More and more people agree with his decision, questioning why I was brought back if I all I can do is say a few lines here and there. Like a special effect but in a human form. _

_ I think that’s what hurt me the most. Because they were right. That’s all I ever was - a special effect with deep voice and freckles, mocked by people because he was a stupid kid who didn’t know Korean despite learning it for so long. Did I make some progress? Yes. Was it enough? Never. _

_ It hurt even more when I looked at all of you from the side and realized that you will be perfectly fine without me. Music-wise one of you or a computer could replace me and no one would notice a difference. Dance-wise Minho hyung and Hyunjin hyung are a lot better than me. You don’t need me. _

_ I wasn’t even good enough to be at least the pretty face. I’m nowhere near as good looking as Hyunjinnie hyung or any of you guys. I’m just an ugly Australian kid with this abomination called freckles. I didn’t deserve to stand next to you guys and disturb the harmony and the perfection you created.  You don’t need me. _

_ And I guess that’s when I got tired of proving myself to everyone. Of being in a fight where it was obvious from the beginning that I will lose. _

_ Lastly, I just wanted to say thank you for giving me a chance despite all of this. You are and always will be my closest family. I had so many beautiful moments with you and although I wish we could create even more of them, I know this is for the better. As hard and painful as it is, I have to let you go and move on. Keep your heads up, stay strong and remember that you have each other to rely on. _

_ Please smile often, okay? _

_ I love you, _

_ Felix _

_ \-- _

The clock showed 03:25 in the morning when Chan finished reading the letter, they all looked at each other, realizing something that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

_ They were blinded by his smile and they never saw the pain it was hiding. _

 

End.


End file.
